Delphic Maxim 12: If you are a stranger act like one
I’ve set myself the challenge of responding to each Delphic Maxim for 15 minutes a day.
12. If you are a stranger act like one
Everyone who knows me expects me to be comfortable networking. I am, mostly, quite extroverted. I enjoy talking to people, I am comfortable in front of a large audience, I don’t have a problem making up things to say to fill a given amount of time. So far, so fun. I can handle big crowds of people I don’t know, as long as they are paying a reasonable amount of attention to me. In short, as long as I have control over a social situation, I feel totally cool.
But I am not comfortable networking at all.
My least favourite emotion — or I suppose my least favourite at the time of writing this — is awkwardness. It’s a sticky, uncomfortable, unstable feeling, never quite knowing if you are being too familiar, too standoffish, if you’ve said something wrong, or how someone will react to something that you’ve just said. Awkwardness makes me want to curl up and disintegrate, to be snapped out of existence by Thanos. And I associate the process of networking, which is such a cliched ‘enterprise skill’ most white collar workers need today, with this kind of experience.
So maybe there’s something to learn from the Delphic Maxims on this front. Because the problem I have with networking is being comfortable with strangers, and also being a stranger who is hoping to be more familiar with people. Perhaps the lesson here is that there isn’t a point acting in these scenarios, but acknowledging that you are a stranger.
I have the enormous privilege of teaching preservice teachers as they complete their degrees. It’s fun, because people who take up teaching are generally extremely creative, socially insightful, and dedicated to the craft of building rapport. One of my students last year — a drama teacher who seriously impressed me with her creativity — told me about a side project of hers. She runs seminars on ‘how to network’, using the principles of theatre sports.
Basically, she said, any social situation with strangers is just like a giant improv. You need to look for the cues and openings in conversations (or to borrow an earlier maxim, know your opportunities). Then it is about being genuinely curious, opening up the avenues in the conversation that can give you more insight into each other. ‘Accept the offer’ is the imperative that drives all theatre sports: don’t shut the conversation down, look for ways to open it up!
You might wonder then whether this is another form of ‘acting’, and in a sense I suppose it is. But the authenticity comes from the role you are playing: the stranger. If you don’t know a person — but you hope to build rapport and connection — then ‘acting’ like a stranger involves being curious, open, and possibly even a little gregarious.
It also means you must own that awkwardness — the show of bravado and confidence doesn’t help anyone. The funny thing is, most people are in the same boat, especially when they’re in an unfamiliar crowd. And most people also like being taken out of that state of loneliness, as long as they’re on safe, honest, friendly terms with somebody else.
This maxim is a practical one. Be a genuine stranger, if you are one. Not a creep, but somebody who is curious and open, and who owns their uncertainty. And it also helps to smile while you go about your day.
